To die would be an awfully big adventure

I have the sudden urge to blog. I don't know about what exactly, just whatever comes to mind. This shall be random and quite fun. Yesterday was my birthday. (Yay 19!) I got a pineapple. If you've seen Psych, you'll understand. I also got a 53 inch teddy bear! His name was Sir Fluffles McFlooserbee, but then my sister accused him of being to flamboyant. So I changed it to Horacio. Though to his close friends he is still known as either Sir Fluffles or Mr. Fluffles.

Yesterday I was kindly reminded by a 13 year old that I need to grow up. I was taking care of 28 children from the age of 1 1/2 to 13 and was being my normal strange self when she gave me a strange look and asked me how old I was. When I responded saying I was 19, her eyes got big and had that look of disbelief and just a hint of mockery as she said one simple word. "Wow." I guess it was the tone that really did it, but that one word was like a slap in the face. Like she was saying, "You? 19? There is no way. Your maturity level is that of a 10 year old." But maybe she is right! Maybe I do need to grow up. Maybe its time to start taking life more seriously and not be so silly all the time. Boy does that make life seem dull. I wish peter pan and neverland were real. I do believe I would like to live there. But only if peter pan was Jeremy Sumpter.

Is that part of why I am so anxious about college? What happens if I don't find anyone to be silly with? I can't be expected to be mature and grown up all the time. That's just not who I am! (there I go, being all contradictory again...) I do feel like I'm still 13 or 14 years old. I feel like all the people at college are so much older and more mature than I. (which is probably true in most cases, actually.) But there must be someone with whom I can be my crazy immature self with. On another note, every time I think of having to say goodbye to all my family and friends and the people I love, I go into panic mode. How am I to say goodbye to those who mean the most to me? I'll come back, I know. But for the past 10 years or so, I have seen them anywhere from 2 to 4 times a week if not more! That is a very very large chunk of my life to let go. And I do not do well with letting go. I will make friends, I will learn things, and I will be able to start afresh where people don't know me, and yet... This does not excite me as much as it should. *heavy sigh*

Anyway, now that I've been thoroughly depressing... I have a  53 inch bear that is in need of some snuggling. Well, it is I that needs the snuggling, but I'm sure he does too.

I've been awaiting for you
And you've been awaiting for me
Tell me that you'll always be true
And you'll be the only one for me
Forget me not my dear, my darling
Forget me not my love
I just wanna hold your hand
Hang on every word you say
Let's write a song for us
And sing until we're old and grey
Forget me not my dear, my darling
Forget me not my love
I'm coming home real soon
Please leave a light on for me
Tell me that you'll always be true
And you'll be the only one for me
Yes, you'll be the only one for me

Run, Forrest, Run!

I realized today that when I was a child, I never tried to run away. I think I should try that now.

Love Kills Slowly

"When you love someone, it's not the warm, fuzzy, amazing feeling that so many people quickly explain it as... It's not a victory march... When you love someone, you care more about them than yourself. You would die for them. Every day that you can, you give yourself for them... Love kills slowly, but you don't mind. You understand it and you're okay with it. Love kills slowly and you wouldn't have it any other way." ~Anonymous

I know people may debate this and tell me its wrong, but I don't think it is. It is simply another way of looking at it. Love isn't a feeling. It's an action we take to show people the depth of our care for them. Do we simply label it "love" because we do not know what else to call it? Love is the action, but what do we call the feeling that comes with it?

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Grrr.

Sometimes I just want to bite someone. Really hard. In the leg.


The end.

Psalm 25

To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul. Oh my God, in You I trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me. Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous. Make me to know your ways, O LORD; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you
I wait all the day long. Remember your mercy, O LORD, and your steadfast love, for they have been from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of your goodness, O LORD! Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. All the paths of the LORD are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies. For your name's sake, O LORD, pardon my guilt, for it is great. Who is the man who fears the LORD? Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose. His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land.The friendship of the LORD is for those who fear him, and he makes
known to them his covenant. My eyes are ever toward the LORD, for he will pluck my feet out of the net. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins. Consider how many are my foes, and with what violent hatred they hate me. Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me! Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you. Redeem Israel, O God, out of all his troubles.

Love Like Crazy

So tonight at church, we started a new series called "Secret Sex." Not the topic you thought you would hear about in church right? Well here is something for you to chew on. Church is the very best place to hear about sex. Because it is the only place that will teach you the right way to do things. The pastor said he got calls from parents asking if the material would be appropriate for their children. His response? "I don't know. Is the Bible appropriate for your children?" (Best response ever.) But man. It was powerful. God never expects us to be perfect. In fact, His strength and His power is made perfect in our weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9) It is only in our failures that His perfection is made known. He alone can meet our needs perfectly. Although my faith in Him hasn't always been strong, I cannot imagine what I would be like without the love and mercy of my Saviour. He doesn't care that I'm nowhere near perfect, He just cares that I'm His. He wants to mold me and make me into the woman He has created me to be; He wants to walk beside me as a friend and father, to guide me in right ways. He wants to be the shoulder to cry on, the hand to hold, and the joy that causes the smile. I want God to be my best friend. Though I may not hear, see, or feel Him, I want to always know that He is there. I want to strive to be like Him and hunger for His word in a way that I have never hungered for anything before. I want to give up things just so I can spend time with Him; whether it be in prayer, silence, or reading His word. I want to learn and thirst and be quenched by the Holy Spirit. Being wordly is too easy. I want to be challenged and succeed in being pure and holy.
"Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true. With thanksgiving, I'll be a living sanctuary for You."

I want to love Him, be loved by Him, and learn to love others LIKE CRAZY.

Evil - morally wrong or bad; immoral; wicked

I do not understand how people can be so evil. My mom showed me an article that was in the paper today about Oakland and how in the past 5 years the homocides have been in the triple digits. These killings took the lives of people from the age of 1, to the age of 65. Last year there was a killing in riverside where a guy got in a fight with a friend/aquantance over a football game, and the killed, disembodied, burned, and then threw him in the lake. How could someone in their right mind do that? How can you think that you have the right to take someone else's life? I can see being very angry with that person, but how can you be so angry that you could take that persons life on a whim? You cannot be in your right mind... That persons life is not yours to take. God alone has given that person life and He alone should be the one to take it. But we, as humans, have decided we have the right to choose when a person dies simply because they made us angry, jealous, or upset. How can you justify that with no guilt? Do these people ever feel guilty about it? Or are they able to just "go on with life" as though nothing had ever happened? I know that most are caught and put in jail, but still. I do not understand how they could do that. Just take someones life on a whim! It makes me sad... Oh how I wish I could make it all better. I dislike all the violence and death.

Femininity

I am a girl. And sometimes it stinks.
I want to become a great combination of the "I like to be outside and hike up mountains and play in the dirt and get sweaty" girl, and the "I like to look nice and take good care of myself" girl. I dislike people seeing me as the girly girl who won't get her hands dirty or do anything physical simply because it might mess up her hair/makeup/clothing. So far, I am failing. I care way to much about what people think of me. To anyone reading this, if you have any suggestions for me, please comment with them! I am in desperate need of some de-girlifying. I want to be able to go camping and not care about the dirt or the no bathrooms/showers part of it. (Though camping with a bathroom and a shower is definitely preffered. See? Just trying to hit middle ground. Camping = tomboyish, while shower/bathroom = girly.) I think I will always mind the bugs. There is just no getting around that. I hate bugs with a passion. Maybe I will become an exterminator one day. No, then I would have to actually deal with the bugs. And that's gross. My future husband had better be ready to deal with spiders and roaches and the like, because I'm sure not going to do it. Hah.

I also want to come across smarter. I feel like I come across as such a dumb blonde. It's no fun to feel stupid. I want to BE smarter! Maybe I should take up reading educational books rather than Harry Potter and the Hunger Games... Or maybe I could find the happy medium? Oh definitely. Also my spiritual life. Right now it pretty much stinks. I am having such a hard time trusting God to take care of us and provide for us. I've gone through too many phases of going from loving Him greatly to almost denying His existance. (Bipolar much? Probably...) So this year I am determind to go through the bible in a year. (ish. Seeing that The year has already started and I have not started reading.) But I am going to try to read my bible every night before I go to bed.

Well, now that I have officially procrastinated, I shall go do all the stuff on my list that needs doing. Time to conquer the day!

Life is Good Today

So it is now past thanksgiving. Boy, it was good to see my family again! And playing in the snow wasn't so bad either... ;) We Californians are so deprived... As for being stressed, I am definitely not as stressed out as I was. College stuff is a little tough still, but God has really given me peace about it. Thank God for His never ending mercies and love! Now onto the new stuff.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good morning! (I really want to open my stocking, but not everyone is up yet... :( sadness!)

Wow. I cannot believe how blessed I have been this past year! Going through the year, it pretty much stunk. But as I look back on it, I see how much God has strengthened me and helped me to grow as a person... I have a family that is all together, a roof over our heads, plenty of food to eat, and even gifts under the tree! I may not understand why God puts us through trials that seem to never have an end, but I am determined to trust in Him and know that He knows what He is doing and that it is for the best for my family.

So, I got that job that I talked about in my last post. I am now officially an In-N-Out associate! I've been working there for about three weeks now and I love it. Though my perfectionist side does come out more often than not. But I have learned to put that aside and trust in myself. I can do a lot more than I think I am capable of! And having this job just proves my success. I am certainly far from perfect and still make mistakes, (like forgetting to clock in yesterday) but with the help of God and my other associates, I make it out okay. I am loving how much I am learning and it is such an encouragement seeing the improvement each time as I get more comfortable with myself and my surroundings.

Yesterday was Christmas Eve. (Obviously if today is Christmas) It was a great day! I went to work, got sent home 30 minutes later, watched movies with my family, and then ate a great dinner made by the lovely Stephanie! I then proceeded to be very hyper with Jo, text my very very good friend until around 2:30 in the morning while nodding off every once in a while (but always with the biggest smile on my face), and then finally falling asleep. In my opinion, it was the best Christmas eve ever. I was compared to a Saint Bernard, talked in rhymes, and was thoroughly happy.

Today we are going to open our stockings, eat a breakfast feast as a family, go to church, come home and open our gifts, watch It's A Wonderful Life, and then have another feast! But this time its dinner, not breakfast. What is on the menu you ask? Well I shall tell you... For breakfast we will be dining on chocolate chip muffin tops, cinnamon rolls, egg casserole, and other goodies which I can not remember. For dinner we shall be consuming ham, sausage, sweet potato casserole, cranberry sauce, rolls, and green beans. (Are you drooling yet?) I haven't even gotten to dessert. Boy. Today is going to be a great day. :) So, that was a pretty lame post, but it is all I have for now. So now I will go take advantage of this day I have to spend with my family. Merry Christmas!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...

In all of your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight." Why oh why can I never remember to do this?

I am stressed. So much is going on and I can't figure out how to do it all without just falling over. On the outside, it really doesn't seem like I have much to do and it may seem like I'm just cruisin through life with no problems. But my head is usually about ready to explode with the pressure.

Applying to college is not as easy as it sounds. There are essays to write, application fees to turn in, scholarships to look at, SAT scores to improve, and lots more decisions to make. Writing essays is not my forte... Especially when I can't figure out what I need to write them on because the websites are retarded and not easy to figure out! Gah.

Not to mention the job factor. I had 2 interviews for a job today and I really hope I get it! But I also feel kind of panicked about it because I don't have enough faith in myself to do well, so I automatically think I will fail. I also don't like the fact that I would have to give up certain things I like doing to have this job. I wouldn't be able to go as many places or see the people I want to see because the job would restrict that. Why does growing up have to be so dumb?

On a brighter note, I get to go to Idaho for Thanksgiving! I am so excited to get to see all of my family again. I miss them all so much! And who knows, there may even be snow! That would make me very happy. I want to make a snowman and a snow angel. And have a snowball fight. And get all cold and wet and have a red nose and rosy cheeks and then come in and warm up with a cup of tea and some dry clothes! Boy that sounds fantastic...

I love those moments when you are ranting about something and God just hits you in the face with the answer. See the title of this post? I wrote it not moments ago. I started off with no title, hoping that in the process of writing something would click. Well, it did. I need to be more in tune with God. He has not been my focus in life and I am ashamed of that. Trusting Him is one of the hardest things for me. I have seen Him meet the needs of those around me so many times and yet I still haven't been able to really trust Him with every aspect of my life. There is so much that I just want to do myself so I can see immediate results. Boy what a mess that makes... Why is it so hard to just let Him do His work in me and my life without me messing it up all the time? Why do I feel the need to control so much and make things happen when I don't know what the best thing for me is? It's so frustrating knowing that so much is going to be happening in the next couple months but not knowing if it will turn out how I want it to or not. The future can be such a scary thing...

My goal: Make God my biggest priority.

Self Centered Much?

It's 10:42pm. I'm currently sitting on my couch watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, wasting a little time on facebook, and about to go get my cup of tea. Sounds like a good night, yes? I guess so... For some reason I'm not entirely happy. This is almost theraputic. Why am I not happy? I'm not entirely sure. Sometimes life just doesn't make sense. I think I want one thing, and then all of a sudden I want something entirely different. Some things that I really want are just out of reach, soon to be gone entirely. Why does that happen? I don't get it... Maybe I'm not supposed to get it, or maybe I'll get it later! Who knows...

So here I am complaining about my life and how annoying it is and all that, and then God says, "Um, hello Gwen! Have you seen My world and the hardships going on in it? Look around you." I see third world countries with children starving. I see people living under freeway overpasses with shopping carts full of trash and dirty blankets. I have a roof over my head, a family who loves me, plenty of food to eat, and yet I am complaining? Today at church we sang happy birthday to this lady. What does she get for a birthday present? The deaths of two of her children... And I think my life is hard? Honestly, I don't think I know the meaning of a hard life. Yes, I have my drama and other stuff, but really. I haven't lost a family member, I'm not living on the streets barely surviving, and I'm not living on a small portion of beans and rice. What can I do for the people whose lives are so much harder than mine?

It's the little things in life...

Today was a very good day. You may ask, 'Why was today so good, Snickerface? What made it so special?' I would reply, 'Let me tell you! Last night I spent the night with my best friend, so when I woke up this morning, the day automatically started out well because I was with her. Then I went home around 3pm and I got ready and went to volleyball practice where I got to see my other bestest friend and coach! It was really a lot of fun. I enjoyed myself. Then my team had a pizza party and guess what happened? My bestest friend crashed the party. It made my night. Now I am at home blogging about it! That is why my day was so good.' Then I would offer you a big grin, showing just how happy I was. The End.

Freedom!

Long my imprisoned spirit lay
Fast-bound in sin and natures night
Thine eye diffused a quickning ray
I woke, the dungeon flamed with light
My chains fell off, my heart was free
I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.

Ain't that the truth...

"The better part of one's life consists of his friendships." ~Abraham Lincoln

Moonlight Serenade

She stands in the window of an abandoned room. The only light is that of the moon as it pours through the windows and glances off the crystal chandeliers, sending sparkles around the dim room. Soft music from the party below drifts into the room and she sways to its sound. The breeze catches her cascading blonde curls and tosses them gently around her face, giving this painting life. She slips off her shoes and starts to slowly dance around the room with her phantom partner, the light from the room accenting the curves of her face. She waltzes and twirls, left to right. Soon she tires and she returns to the window, watching the moon as it sits over the ocean. She feels its spray and hears its roar mingled with the tinkling of glasses and the quiet murmer of the people downstairs. Oh how shall she ever leave this wonderful sight? Does the night have to end? And yet she knows it must.