To die would be an awfully big adventure

I have the sudden urge to blog. I don't know about what exactly, just whatever comes to mind. This shall be random and quite fun. Yesterday was my birthday. (Yay 19!) I got a pineapple. If you've seen Psych, you'll understand. I also got a 53 inch teddy bear! His name was Sir Fluffles McFlooserbee, but then my sister accused him of being to flamboyant. So I changed it to Horacio. Though to his close friends he is still known as either Sir Fluffles or Mr. Fluffles.

Yesterday I was kindly reminded by a 13 year old that I need to grow up. I was taking care of 28 children from the age of 1 1/2 to 13 and was being my normal strange self when she gave me a strange look and asked me how old I was. When I responded saying I was 19, her eyes got big and had that look of disbelief and just a hint of mockery as she said one simple word. "Wow." I guess it was the tone that really did it, but that one word was like a slap in the face. Like she was saying, "You? 19? There is no way. Your maturity level is that of a 10 year old." But maybe she is right! Maybe I do need to grow up. Maybe its time to start taking life more seriously and not be so silly all the time. Boy does that make life seem dull. I wish peter pan and neverland were real. I do believe I would like to live there. But only if peter pan was Jeremy Sumpter.

Is that part of why I am so anxious about college? What happens if I don't find anyone to be silly with? I can't be expected to be mature and grown up all the time. That's just not who I am! (there I go, being all contradictory again...) I do feel like I'm still 13 or 14 years old. I feel like all the people at college are so much older and more mature than I. (which is probably true in most cases, actually.) But there must be someone with whom I can be my crazy immature self with. On another note, every time I think of having to say goodbye to all my family and friends and the people I love, I go into panic mode. How am I to say goodbye to those who mean the most to me? I'll come back, I know. But for the past 10 years or so, I have seen them anywhere from 2 to 4 times a week if not more! That is a very very large chunk of my life to let go. And I do not do well with letting go. I will make friends, I will learn things, and I will be able to start afresh where people don't know me, and yet... This does not excite me as much as it should. *heavy sigh*

Anyway, now that I've been thoroughly depressing... I have a  53 inch bear that is in need of some snuggling. Well, it is I that needs the snuggling, but I'm sure he does too.

I've been awaiting for you
And you've been awaiting for me
Tell me that you'll always be true
And you'll be the only one for me
Forget me not my dear, my darling
Forget me not my love
I just wanna hold your hand
Hang on every word you say
Let's write a song for us
And sing until we're old and grey
Forget me not my dear, my darling
Forget me not my love
I'm coming home real soon
Please leave a light on for me
Tell me that you'll always be true
And you'll be the only one for me
Yes, you'll be the only one for me

Run, Forrest, Run!

I realized today that when I was a child, I never tried to run away. I think I should try that now.

Love Kills Slowly

"When you love someone, it's not the warm, fuzzy, amazing feeling that so many people quickly explain it as... It's not a victory march... When you love someone, you care more about them than yourself. You would die for them. Every day that you can, you give yourself for them... Love kills slowly, but you don't mind. You understand it and you're okay with it. Love kills slowly and you wouldn't have it any other way." ~Anonymous

I know people may debate this and tell me its wrong, but I don't think it is. It is simply another way of looking at it. Love isn't a feeling. It's an action we take to show people the depth of our care for them. Do we simply label it "love" because we do not know what else to call it? Love is the action, but what do we call the feeling that comes with it?

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Grrr.

Sometimes I just want to bite someone. Really hard. In the leg.


The end.

Psalm 25

To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul. Oh my God, in You I trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me. Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous. Make me to know your ways, O LORD; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you
I wait all the day long. Remember your mercy, O LORD, and your steadfast love, for they have been from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of your goodness, O LORD! Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. All the paths of the LORD are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies. For your name's sake, O LORD, pardon my guilt, for it is great. Who is the man who fears the LORD? Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose. His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land.The friendship of the LORD is for those who fear him, and he makes
known to them his covenant. My eyes are ever toward the LORD, for he will pluck my feet out of the net. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins. Consider how many are my foes, and with what violent hatred they hate me. Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me! Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you. Redeem Israel, O God, out of all his troubles.

Love Like Crazy

So tonight at church, we started a new series called "Secret Sex." Not the topic you thought you would hear about in church right? Well here is something for you to chew on. Church is the very best place to hear about sex. Because it is the only place that will teach you the right way to do things. The pastor said he got calls from parents asking if the material would be appropriate for their children. His response? "I don't know. Is the Bible appropriate for your children?" (Best response ever.) But man. It was powerful. God never expects us to be perfect. In fact, His strength and His power is made perfect in our weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9) It is only in our failures that His perfection is made known. He alone can meet our needs perfectly. Although my faith in Him hasn't always been strong, I cannot imagine what I would be like without the love and mercy of my Saviour. He doesn't care that I'm nowhere near perfect, He just cares that I'm His. He wants to mold me and make me into the woman He has created me to be; He wants to walk beside me as a friend and father, to guide me in right ways. He wants to be the shoulder to cry on, the hand to hold, and the joy that causes the smile. I want God to be my best friend. Though I may not hear, see, or feel Him, I want to always know that He is there. I want to strive to be like Him and hunger for His word in a way that I have never hungered for anything before. I want to give up things just so I can spend time with Him; whether it be in prayer, silence, or reading His word. I want to learn and thirst and be quenched by the Holy Spirit. Being wordly is too easy. I want to be challenged and succeed in being pure and holy.
"Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true. With thanksgiving, I'll be a living sanctuary for You."

I want to love Him, be loved by Him, and learn to love others LIKE CRAZY.

Evil - morally wrong or bad; immoral; wicked

I do not understand how people can be so evil. My mom showed me an article that was in the paper today about Oakland and how in the past 5 years the homocides have been in the triple digits. These killings took the lives of people from the age of 1, to the age of 65. Last year there was a killing in riverside where a guy got in a fight with a friend/aquantance over a football game, and the killed, disembodied, burned, and then threw him in the lake. How could someone in their right mind do that? How can you think that you have the right to take someone else's life? I can see being very angry with that person, but how can you be so angry that you could take that persons life on a whim? You cannot be in your right mind... That persons life is not yours to take. God alone has given that person life and He alone should be the one to take it. But we, as humans, have decided we have the right to choose when a person dies simply because they made us angry, jealous, or upset. How can you justify that with no guilt? Do these people ever feel guilty about it? Or are they able to just "go on with life" as though nothing had ever happened? I know that most are caught and put in jail, but still. I do not understand how they could do that. Just take someones life on a whim! It makes me sad... Oh how I wish I could make it all better. I dislike all the violence and death.

Femininity

I am a girl. And sometimes it stinks.
I want to become a great combination of the "I like to be outside and hike up mountains and play in the dirt and get sweaty" girl, and the "I like to look nice and take good care of myself" girl. I dislike people seeing me as the girly girl who won't get her hands dirty or do anything physical simply because it might mess up her hair/makeup/clothing. So far, I am failing. I care way to much about what people think of me. To anyone reading this, if you have any suggestions for me, please comment with them! I am in desperate need of some de-girlifying. I want to be able to go camping and not care about the dirt or the no bathrooms/showers part of it. (Though camping with a bathroom and a shower is definitely preffered. See? Just trying to hit middle ground. Camping = tomboyish, while shower/bathroom = girly.) I think I will always mind the bugs. There is just no getting around that. I hate bugs with a passion. Maybe I will become an exterminator one day. No, then I would have to actually deal with the bugs. And that's gross. My future husband had better be ready to deal with spiders and roaches and the like, because I'm sure not going to do it. Hah.

I also want to come across smarter. I feel like I come across as such a dumb blonde. It's no fun to feel stupid. I want to BE smarter! Maybe I should take up reading educational books rather than Harry Potter and the Hunger Games... Or maybe I could find the happy medium? Oh definitely. Also my spiritual life. Right now it pretty much stinks. I am having such a hard time trusting God to take care of us and provide for us. I've gone through too many phases of going from loving Him greatly to almost denying His existance. (Bipolar much? Probably...) So this year I am determind to go through the bible in a year. (ish. Seeing that The year has already started and I have not started reading.) But I am going to try to read my bible every night before I go to bed.

Well, now that I have officially procrastinated, I shall go do all the stuff on my list that needs doing. Time to conquer the day!